Well, it's supposed to be the season of the same, despite the gloom of some. Here are some purportedly genuine extracts from insurance claim forms:
Accidental Accident Reports
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Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
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Jasper Carrot did these about ten years ago - very funny!
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> Jasper Carrot did these about ten years ago - very funny!
Sadly, it was more than 20 years ago.
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Well they're still funny and thanks for making me laugh Growler.
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the old jokes are the best, not like these days, where so called comedians just shout bad language, and wait for the laughter.
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ONe or two do sound suspiciously like spoofs I admit, but the clipping I got said they were from actual claim forms and the article was published in the Toronto Star (a good many years ago).
INcidentally I also collect bumper stickers (the messages I mean). If I'm not poluting the forum ethic by so doing I might publish a few.
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These are my personal favourites - from US air force post-flight reports ... (sorry about the spacing)
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem:"Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem:"Target Radar hums."
Solution: "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics."
Problem:"Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem:"DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem:Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem:Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem:IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
Problem:Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem 1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution 1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem 2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Solution: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem:"Aircraft handles FUNNY."
Solution: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious."
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Ian, priceless...thanks.
S.
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The British Military writes EPR's an officer fitness reports. The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his [family jewels] from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
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I must say I liked these! More of this to brighten the day after a miserable train journey to work.
Adding to the silly signs and bumper stickers can I add these:
I saw an Escort Estate last night that had a "Rabbits on Board" sign! Fascinating!
And I have seen a photo' of a Harley Biker wearing a jacket that had on the back "If you can read this, the bitch has fallen off!"
Have a happy day
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