Dear Backroom Agony Aunt, I am at my wits end after being let into a well-kept family secret and I need your advice.
I have been told, by 'someone who thought you ought to know' that my son's new mother-in-law owns a Mazda Bongo Friendee.
I questioned my son closely when he told me he planned to marry, but apparently he thought it better that this fact was kept from me.
Luckily, I am happily settled in France, 500 miles from any potential face-to-face embarrassment, so I don't feel the need to emigrate. But how will I keep a straight face if I ever see it? And what will I do if my friends find out?
Any down-to-earth advice would be very welcome.
Yours sincerely
'Credibility at the Crossroads'
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Dear Credibility
Deepest sympathies - this must be every petrolhead's nightmare, & one there's no easy answer for.
You must immediately put aside ideas you once thought were 'normal' & try to see this from the other person's perspective. It almost sounds flippant to suggest this, I know, but only when you do will acceptance & peace of mind come.
One useful mental strategy might be to imagine what drove someone to do this sort of thing in the first place - was there, for example, a very early negative experience with what we would usually call an ordinary car? Severe hatchback aversion syndrome hypermobility (more commonly referred to these days as HASH) is a frequent precursor to the unusual behaviour you encountered; you must gently suggest the afflicted person seeks help.
Finally, bear in mind all the time: This isn't your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself - no matter how culpable (albeit indirectly) you may feel sometimes.
Wishing you the very best of luck with this delicate issue,
Uncle Woodbines
(Aunty Woodbines is away)
Edited by woodbines on 23/12/2009 at 16:20
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Was that Mazda Frogno Bendee I saw?
It seems your co-parent-in-law may be a French public service driver piloting an articulated public service vehicle. A perfectly respectable profession. After all, you shouldn't often have to go in it.
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;-)
But I'm so thin-skinned...
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Credibility,
I hope I can help, I am the ' agony aunt ' from the magazine ' Ferret Gelder's Monthly '
Perhaps a call to the Samaritans would help you come to terms with this tragedy ?
Many families under this sort of stress have been helped by their counselling ( although they did put the phone down on me . In my case the problem was of a quite different nature, involving a top hat, a stirrup pump and three packets of gravy browning. ) but I digress.
Try to put it out of your mind over Christmas and enjoy yourself, although I understand this may be difficult. Resorting to alcohol may help.
If you have to go out, hold your head up and ignore the jibes of passers-by.
You are an Englishman, dammit, although in a far off land.
Dignity at all times !
Sister Annunciata
Little Sisters of the Flywheel.
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Credibility..can i call you Cred it's so much more bonding i find or would you prefer dibil?
there could be more to this than meets the eye, and you should keep in touch with your inner soul when confronting any negative feelings you may have.
There are good reasons for the alternative lifestyle choice followed by your new family, maybe they are new age travellers, or indeed swingers, will you have a positive reaction if the freindee's warm exhaust jacket is helping to grow odd smelling weeds for medicinal purposes, i do hope so any negative reaction will send the wrong message and cause severe upset.
Maybe they have financial problems looming and will find themselves homeless at some point...i do hope you will offer them all the comforts of your bourgeous home if this should be the case regardless of your antiquated male hunter gathering outlook, you should positively embrace your new feminine side...on that subject i have a list of reading i shall send to you that will help in the transition from dominant male chauvanist to new man, you will feel so much better.
When you have completed my list of enlightening pamphlets, you will be better able to make the changes in your life to accomodate these wonderful diverse people into your life, i'm sure that you will feel better once you have ceremoniously destroyed your planet killing sports car, it might be recycled into something useful like a few bicycles.
Embrace them and learn to love their commmunity transport.
Peace and winter greetings to you.
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Dear Credibility at the Crossroads.
I believe that you should always be honest with your nearest and dearest. Lying and saying that you think a Mazda Bongo Frisbee looks pleasant is just storing up trouble in future. You may be intoxicated one day and say to your son that you think his MIL has no taste in cars.. or - heaven forbid - actually see the Bongo Filigree - and vomit over your nice new shoes - or even worse over your Sister in law or even over the Bongo.
Help is at hand. I know a man - he is due to be released soon - who specialises in ridding parents of unwanted in laws and their transport. He appears perfectly respectable, and is very reliable. Apart from the money he asks, you have a choice: do you want to rid yourself of an in-law, her car or both? The fee for a combined operation is cheaper than the sum of the individual fees so by doing bot at once you will not only saving mony but doing your son a great service.
Mothers in law are so passe.. and the jokes about them are so out of fashion..
So if you want, send me a cheque for £1,000 and I will write to you in confidence - with a plain brown envelope to avoid embarrassment - with details how you can contact this man.
As you live in France, an arranged accident when your sister in law drives over to enjoy a summer holiday in your house and to meet you - seems an ideal opportunity .
Looking forward to my cheque.
Backroom Agony Aunt.
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Perhaps you'd like to try a little aversion therapy with my KIA Pride?
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What's all the fuss about? Not a bad looking bus and all the seats fold flattish for fun and games at any time. Has it got the lifting roof? Ask for a photo of it to keep on your desk and if you need to refer to the vehicle, call it an MBF.
As for all the other posters who think you've got a problem and need expensive therapy, tell them all to take a hike. Disgraceful I call it; trying to lighten a chap's wallet when he's had a fright.
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Dear Cred,
In the words of Dr Julius Hibbert, the only answer is fire, and lots of it.
You may however have some success if you think of the Mazda as its Ford equivalent, which has a much more normal name - 'Freda'.
Hope that helps!
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Dear credability.
My wife has left me, the dog has disowned me, and I have been thrown out of the house for christmas.
My only slight crumb of comfort is that I wont be the laughing stock your family are.
Thank you for the good cheer.
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can you post pictures? of the abhorant
send pictures of the nice bongo first though please
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Kill it! Kill it with fire!
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Thank you all. I'm beginning to come to terms with the issue. Perhaps I will now be able to find closure.
I did a road test of the Kia Pride in 1991 and am on record as saying what an excellent, well-finished little motor it was - even with whiteband tyres!
Merry Christmas...
Edited by mike hannon on 24/12/2009 at 12:52
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has someone put something in your Calvados?
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Yup, thank the lord. It's that time of year at last. ;-))
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Love these 2 sentences Mike, so noughties...
"Thank you all. I'm beginning to come to terms with the issue. Perhaps I will now be able to find closure."
Edited by smokie on 24/12/2009 at 14:03
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There was a dreaded "Bongo Friendee" or whatever it is called parked outside my frigging house today!
Kill it, kill it with fire, but not too close to my house if you please.
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