As Police actions are a hot topic at the moment on the forum, thought I'd post these. (I know they're as old as the hills, but they're still good- No 10 is a particularly good one)
From the US obviously:
Some type of police officers have a sense of humor too....
These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
#16 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#15 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."
# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."
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I often think our criminals in this country dont have enough to be scared of when being persued - being shot at while fleeing would sure focus the mind - would be priceless seeing a 16 yo being eventually stopped having wet themselves :-)
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#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
There's a tale of a PC that was cursing as he didn't have time for a much needed training run before an important race. He spotted a well known scrote, shouted OY you, and started to jog after him. By continually checking his pace managed to get a five mile training run in before the scrote collapsed.
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Why run when you have a dog to do the work ;-)
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life isn't always fair! on one of those American Police, Camera, Action type shows, one motorist (stopped for minor misdemeanor) assisted the trooper who stopped him when said trooper was clobbered and injured by a passing vehicle that failed to stop. He used the troopers car radio to summon help, but still got his ticket and fine for the offence!
I used to enjoy these programs but the self-righteous attitude of some of the presenters (mainly the American ones) made me want to switch off (after thumping them!)
Edited by billy25 on 10/10/2008 at 05:20
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Birmingham (non-Alabama) policeman to my Brother-in-law from Pinner, in full Brummie accent, on stopping him for driving erratically around Birmingham city centre: "London driver are we, sir?".
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To a friends grandmother when she was stopped for speeding (80 on the motorway) when many cars were sailing past going faster.
"Do you ever go fishing madam?"
"Err, I did once"
"Did you catch ALL the fish?"
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"but the self-righteous attitude of some of the presenters"
By far the worst has to be the smug and smarmy Alastair Stewart and given that he has two drink-driving convictions he's on shaky ground for presenting a program like that.
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The worst one is that American ex-policeman with the grey hair. All the fleeing drivers, even the competent ones, are invariably described as bad and dangerous with absolutely no reference to the way the are actually driving. Slightly ratted teenagers or frisky types carrying a couple of joints are traduced as 'renegades' and so on. Makes you want to puke. Humourless, bawling carphound. And the entire production is calculated to confuse and mislead the sort of hypnotised idiot who watches this kind of schlock (including of course guess who). Just like Jimmy Savile's teenagers' opinion programme in the sixties.
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The worst one is that American ex-policeman with the grey hair.
...Humourless bawling carphound.
If that's the same chap I'm thinking of I'm impressed that you even noticed the colour of his hair past the glare from his unfeasibly white teeth.
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The worst one is that American ex-policeman with the grey hair. >>
You mean Sheriff John Bunell, Lud.
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I often think our criminals in this country dont have enough to be scared of when being persued.
On my first working visit to Florida in the 1970s I had a cop pull a gun on me whe I got out of my car when stopped for a minor traffic error. He explained the routine on hearing my english accent, but it certainly gets your attention! I believe this country has Human Rights back to front, Law abiding joe public should take preference to scrote every time.
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Traffic cop to a spotty faced youth on a motorcycle (Ahem, cough cough)on the Embankment sometime in the seventies -
"Good morning Group Captain. Having a little trouble lifting off, are we"?
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Bored cop pulls a youth for speeding.
COP: I've been waiting for you all day!
YOUTH: I know, I got here as soon as I could.
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Some from today's Telegraph -
tinyurl.com/3soyb2
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Lewis Hamilton - the latterday Stirling Moss. Rien ne change.
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" Have you any idea what speed you were doing Sir ? "
" Oh yes officer, absolutely, but I suppose it's too much to hope that you don't, isn't it ?
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Officer: What excuse do you have for speeding along this 30 mph limit?
Motorist: I wanted to get to the 24 hour garage before it closed.
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Not sure if this one is genuine, but someone I worked with told me had been driving through London with a former colleague going a bit too quickly, spotting the Police car trying to pull him over going through a tunnel, driver floored it, drove on and then pulled over into first available space. His excuse "Well, I thought you need to get past me, I couldnt pull over so was trying not to hold you up" He got away with it so the story goes...
Incidentally, with all the Police shows on at the moment have found quite a funny one called Speeders on Dave. Follows American police, and is just speeding offences, but tongue very firmly in cheek, no patronising lectures or usual "look at how great American cops are" whilst theire cars are fishtailing everywhere and ramming everything off the road (stopped watching those some time ago through boredom).
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very firmly in cheek no patronising lectures or usual "look at how great American cops>> are" whilst theire cars are fishtailing everywhere and ramming everything off the road >>
the worst one of those I saw, had a Deputy lose control, ram the bandit car and both of them spiral off the road..whilst the commentator advised how the Deputy had just used an authorised procedure to end the pursuit!
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The thing that especially irritates me with the Police, Camera, action type programme is the number of times that the film clip is repeated - very tedious.
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Back in the early eighties a friend of mine was trying to bump start his clapped out old V4 Corsair in a North London street late one evening, unsuccesfully. PC walks past, enquires as to what's going on - mate replies car won't start; PC says " That's probably because the tax is out of date sir" and walks on by.
This guy was a bit strange, would fit new brake pads for the MOT on said heap, then take them off again afterwards, refitting the worn ones ???? Then repeat the exercise the next year.
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