As the thread indicates, anything silly can either be posted here, or gets moved here at the moderators discretion.
Volume 5 is filled up, so it's locked. If you want to find it, along with any other previous silly threads, then use the Forum Search.
Usual rules apply. Also, anything can get deleted without warning.
DD.
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Q. You are a magistrate, sitting alone. Four drivers are brought before you, each having been arrested whilst driving at speeds in excess of 110mph. New sentencing quotas mean that you must disqualify one (and only one) of the drivers. Which of these these four loses his licence:
1. the rock star
2. the used car dealer
3. the member of parliament
4. the police chief constable
Q. Which is the sexiest BackRoom moderator?
1. NoDosh
2. Dynamic Dave
3. Mark (RLBS)
4. Is that the choice?
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Q1 - silly question since the answer for something so not marginal must be none or all.
Q2 - silly question since the answer is quite obvious. Although perhaps Dave and ND would get the occasional sympathy vote.
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Q2 - silly question since the answer is quite obvious. Although perhaps Dave and ND would get the occasional sympathy vote.
Why you cheeky git. Good mind to pull all your hair out, but looks like someone already beat me to it.
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Q1 - silly question since the answer for something so not marginal must be none or all.
Nah. Simple answer is that NoWheels the magistrate picks one at random, then is herself disqualifed from magistrating for being capricious.
Re Q2, speaking personally none of you do it for me. Sorry. Major life-changing surgery needed....
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>> Q1 - silly question since the answer for something so not >> marginal must be none or all. >> Nah. Simple answer is that NoWheels the magistrate picks one at random, then is herself disqualifed from magistrating for being capricious.
In the old days, folks used to get disqualified just for being Irish, so I suppose things are looking up. Not sure how I would go about getting a passport from Capricicious -- is that anywhere Mautius?
I had a very amusing dinner discussion once with a pro-hanging man who agreed that in just about every individual, it was hard to justify the death penalty. Nonetheless, he felt it had an important deterrent effect, so he proposed reconciling the two principles by imposing the death penalty at random on convicted criminals.
I remain fascinated by the idea of intentionally random justice, and thought that this might be an intersting avriant on the theme.
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Q2 - silly question since the answer is quite obvious. Although perhaps Dave and ND would get the occasional sympathy vote.
Gissa piccie so we can decide for ourselves. So far we've only seem the cherubic charm of the pie-eater, and for wew know you and DD might just be 'bots :)
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Gissa piccie
sauce for the goose?
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>> Gissa piccie sauce for the goose?
I prefer to take pity on the camera lens :)
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Shame we can't give text replies. Then we could have:
"What new username should be allocated to the following BR members:
1. NoWheels
2. Dynamic Dave
3. Mark (RLBS)
4. No Dosh"
OK then. 5. Patently.
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"What new username should be allocated to the following BR members:
OK, you tempted me:
2. Dynamic Dave --> Victor Vectra
3. Mark (RLBS) --> Galaxy Bar
4. No Dosh --> 3.1415927
I'll leave it to others to rename me :)
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4. No Dosh --> 3.1415927
Any advance on 3.141592654?
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Any advance on 3.141592654?
I'm just wondering whether anyone will spot the pun
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Oi you two. If you want, I can swap your email addresses with one another so you can carry on whittering to your hearts content.
DD. ;o)
Edit key mode But for now, I\'ll dump it all in here.
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You asked for it:
3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459230781
6406286208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231
72535940812848111745028410270193852110555964462294895493038196...
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I'm sure there's more to it than that...
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I\'ll leave it to others to rename me :)
No Wheels = Now Heels (Reliant Kitten? Sunbeam Stiletto?)
I\'m trying - and failing - to get the pun - Something to do with Pi. Life of Pi? Isn\'t No Dosh the one with the trailered Alfa - so not Alpha but Pi?
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I\'m trying - and failing - to get the pun - Something to do with Pi. Life of Pi? Isn\'t No Dosh the one with the trailered Alfa - so not Alpha but Pi?
Pi ~= pie
(No Dosh and pies is a subject which I would not, of course, mention explicitly...)
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pieces of eight! pieces of eight!
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pieces of eight! pieces of eight!
Mods, how can we get patently's username chnaged to Long John Silver?
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Mods, how can we get patently's username chnaged to Long John Silver?
>>
Are you offering to amputate one of his legs?
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Please not the right leg.
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>> Mods, how can we get patently's username chnaged to Long John Silver? Are you offering to amputate one of his legs?
I suspect he might prefer that to having his Porsche amputated ... but no, a renaming would sufice
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Take the left and I can trade the Porsche in for a Tiptronic. No need for a left leg, then.
Good lord, NoWheels, I know you support this control-freak government, but I thought we could at least retain the freedom to choose our names!
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Good lord, NoWheels, I know you support this control-freak government, but I thought we could at least retain the freedom to choose our names!
Actually, I mostly I don't support this govt, although I do like some things that they do, including a few small parts of their transport policy (which is, in general, up the spout).
But on this (entirely mischeivious) point I would suppport some control-freak moderation :)
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Actually, I mostly I don't support this govt, although I do like some things that they do, including a few small parts of their transport policy (which is, in general, up the spout).
Fair enough.
But on this (entirely mischeivious) point I would suppport some control-freak moderation :)
;-)
Thanks for the chat, NW, as ever.
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and head off towards Brizzle.
Didn't Mark used to live there?
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Chieveley Services? Nah, don't think so. They charge £7.00 per night for parking.
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Not after drinking with you two and having to a) pay for a ton of fuel following Alan around while he tries to discover where the pub he wants to go to actually is and whether or not its burned down this week; and b) paying for all the beer when we get in there anyway.
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All that beer has twisted your mind, man. We each paid for a round last time we three got together (and IIRC we shared the costs when 'twere just us two - and your mate from work)
Cheeky bleeder.
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All that beer has twisted your mind, man. We each paid for a round last time we three got together
Actually I only bought you a drink ND. I offered to buy Mark one, but he had to rush off home to get the thumbprint refreshed on his forehead ;o)
{Now that doesn\'t happen very often. I\'ve just moderated myself and moved this silliness here.}
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Piccie? What piccie? What have I missed?
Which of you lovely mods has been parading/flaunting yourself this time? :)
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"... I've just moderated myself ..."
Ooh, Matron, etc.
--
andymc
Vroom, vroom - mmm, doughnuts ...
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No, not our one!
Nice bit of silliness on the cover of Private Eye:-
Picture of Mark Thatcher being arrested in SA and getting in to car - speech bubble says "Lord Archer will vouch for me".
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The motoring section of the local rag asked people to write in and tell them what car they bought and the reasons why they bought it. Although I suspect there are few "Telegraph readers" amongst those who replied, I found it quite interesting all the same. Some random examples are given below...
BMW driver: I bought a BMW because I like to think that it shows that I have an appreciation of the finer things in life. I like to think it gives the impression that I am successful and can afford to spend my money as I please. The only problem that I have had with the car so far is not so much the car, as other people's attitude toward it. Quite frankly I am a little peeved that I am rarely allowed to exit a junction during peak periods without a considerable delay; I put this down to the jealousy of those who cannot abide to see anyone raise himself above the mediocre. These people are pathetic and I pity them.
Ford driver: I bought a Ford because I like to see myself as a man of the people...an average Joe if you like. Whereas I enjoy driving, it is not the most important thing. When I see a BMW driver waiting to get out of the supermarket car park I think: "Isn't that Barry who used to poo himself in primary seven?"
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Honda driver: I bought a Honda because of its legendary reliability. The very thought of owning anything that was less than 100% dependable would be enough send me scurrying to the doctor to get my Prozac increased. I am not really one of life's risk takers but have recently come round to the idea that unprotected sex is now socially acceptable among the over-seventies.
Saab driver: I bought a Saab because I've always had a thing about Swedish birds. If I lose my job in IT next week then who knows, maybe I'll get to sleep with one? By the way, I saw "Smelly Barry" in a beamer last week and thought to myself: "Jeees, they must be paying well at the Post Office these days!"
Betty Driver: I first appeared on your screens in 1962. Since making my debut in Coronation Street as "Hot pot Betty" I have filmed more than 12000 episodes raking in more than £450 million pounds in the process. Even though I have the acting ability of startled rabbit and require more than 13 loo-breaks every hour, I am still Britain's highest paid actor with earnings of over £270,000 per minute. I have very little interest in cars and only ever visit auctions in order to increase my collection of antique commodes (of which I have many).
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VW driver: I like to ride my bicycle...I like to ride my bike...I like to ride my BYE...SEE...EEE...CAL...I like to ride it...where...I...like...BICYCLE...BICYCLE...BICYCLE...BICYCLE...
As for myself, well I wrote in explaining my decision to buy a TVR was due to the fact that my name was Trevor. Unfortunately, I must have written a little late for publication.
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Did they manage to extract a confession from any Perodua drivers?
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Aren't they known as pushers rather than drivers?
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I thought most of them are too old to push
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NW + ND Less of this blatant ageism please.
ND Enjoyed the Steam Fair??
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NW + ND Less of this blatant ageism please.
Hey, I'm also too old push :)
ND Enjoyed the Steam Fair??
I wonder did they allow to enter the tractor?
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Nah, they're too old to pull.
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>>they're too old to pull.
So's ND.
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>>they're too old to pull. So's ND.
but he can still pull a 3.1415927e
allegedly :)
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Steamfair was great, but I think I may have been subject of an alien abduction on Friday evening and again on Saturday afternoon. I seem to recall losing large amounts of time on both occassions and waking in a field with an empty tankard at my side. There was usually a ring of people stood some distance from me, although this may have been due to the strange aroma of apples that filled the air.
Mrs ND recalls similar events. Most alarming.
Did anyone else make it? Alyn Beattie was there but I didn\'t see DL (although I did see a lot of Lister engines on display).
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I didn\'t see DL (although I did see a lot of Lister engines on display).
Thought his surname was Lacey, not Lister?
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DL has something similar.
Oops, perhaps I should have added a smiley to my post.
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Now Heels - are you a closet Perodua driver?
"I am a Perodua driver because I really want a Vauxhall burt can't afford it. Perodua ad Astra."
Well - your pun was worse, and there may still be some hidden in-joke about No Dosh and pies. I can only think of Pie in the Sky as his Alfa is airborne on to the AA trailer.
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The joke refers to my near legendary status as a pie-eater of some stamina. As in "Who ate all the pies?"
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you couldn't make it up!.. news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/3641684.stm
sounds to me like a good idea, offering folks a chance to use the old shelters rather just scrapping them
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sounds to me like a good idea,
Yes, for a moment I thought they'd over-ordered and were giving away new ones. But if it's the old ones on offer why not? Better than landfill!
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Yes, for a moment I thought they'd over-ordered and were giving away new ones.
The way the story was written, with the initial reference to "surplus" shelters rather than old ones, kinda gave that impression, unless you read to the bottom. Which not everyone does :(
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Yes it's definatly Friday after the pub silly surfing time www.apeculture.com/games/shatner.htm
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With all due respect to our esteemed tractor-driving moderator, it seems that it may be time to reconsider the answer to the question of "who ate all the pies?"
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/3667200.stm
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If one creates a discussion group dedicated to beige Escort 1.3L's, could it be called the Blandford Forum ?
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If one creates a discussion group dedicated to beige Escort 1.3L's, could it be called the Blandford Forum ?
Stop it, you're hurting me!
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For those not resident in Dorset, Blandford Forum is a) a Market town on the crossroads of the A354 twixt Salisbury and Dorchester and the A350 from Poole to Warminster and b) a squaddie town full of chaps from the Royal Signals regiment.
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Only because it's a bit quiet in here today...
Three chickens walk into a library and stand in front of the assistant going 'buk buk buk'. She gives them a book each and they march out.
Next day, as soon as the doors open, in they come again, 'buk buk buk', and march out with their books.
When it happens again the following day, the perturbed assistant decides to follow them - over the road, into the park and across to the duck pond where they throw the books to a frog.
Every time a book lands, the frog says 'reddit, reddit'.
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Those of you with peculiar tastes (i.e. half the Backroom) and the ability to receive Channel 5 might be interested in a programme at 10pm tonight where VBH is transformed into a man.
The truly weird will also appreciate seeing David Dickinson changed into a woman.
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Those of you with peculiar tastes (i.e. half the Backroom)
only half???
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A man walks in to a Glaswegian bakery shop...
(Said in best Glaswegian accent) "Is that a cake, or a meringue?"
(Reply, also in best Glaswegian accent) "Noo, you're not wrong."
Geddit?
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Oops!!
I know that cranes like water, but....
www.picjar.com/pub/Dynamic-dave/Oops!!/CraneDive.j...R
(apologies if you've seen the pic before.)
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Primarily FTAO No Do$h!
ASFAIK the BIB don?t go in for bling. FYI, however, IME, (and FWIW) they do like greed cameras.
HWSBI,IMHO (and IFIRC), LOL a lot, often saying RTFM. Safety cameras and scameras often catch SWDAST (aka SWMBO) as do talivans.
HTH.
TTFN ;-)
--
L\'escargot by name, but not by nature.
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*****Moved to Silly Thread*****
would be most grateful for any advice anyone could give on this matter of deep concern to me.
For sometime now I've suspected that my wife may be having an affair. You know the sort of thing. The phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. Recently she has started going out 'with the girls' a lot and when I ask which girls it's always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".
I always used to keep an eye out for her taxi coming home but now she always walks up to the flat although I can hear a car setting off as if she has just got out of one around the corner. The other day I picked up her mobile, just to see what time it was, and she went mental, screaming at me that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with her. I kind of think deep down I don't really want to know the truth.But then last night she went out again and I decided that I would check up on her. I hid behind my car which I knew would give me a good view of the whole street so I could see which car she got out of on her return.
It was whilst I crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
Do you think I Should take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?
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P.S. Your wife's cheating on you.
So terribly sorry about the car. ;-)
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Pack the old girl off to the scrappy. You can't polish a 'thingy' after all.
Get the car mended professionally.
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Give it a quick rub down with some very coarse sandpaper, maybe even the angle grinder, fill any holes with fibreglass and resand with successively finer grades of sandpaper before respraying, firstly with fine grade filler, then undercoat then the colour of your choice. If it's past redemption, or this is more than she's worth, get a new one, (or good condition second hand - think I'd go for the latter and get shot of the old one)
Sorry, don't know how to solve the rust problem on your car though.
--
Phil
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I was dropping this woman off just down the road from her house (she is married) and I spotted this bloke crouching down behind this car.
Should I find out what he's doing?
------------------------------
TourVanMan TM < Ex RF >
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Silly thread??? That rust sounds serious to me.
--
Phil
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a laughter thread????????.............sorry thought i had logged into hj
my apologies...................runs........
--
\"a little man in a big world/\"
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news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/norfolk/4845210.stm
The full text is:
"Police patrol officers who stopped a Mini Metro believed to have been involved in a road accident found a Shetland pony on the back seat.
Officers found the miniature pony after stopping the vehicle in the county during a routine patrol.
The incident was among details of traffic offences listed by Norfolk Police as part of a new road campaign.
The campaign aims to help educate drivers in an effort to reduce the number of accidents in the county"
"With what offence was the driver charged?"
Has anyone got any more information?
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False declaration to insurance company of engine bhp?
Would a horse have been carried in a Maxi?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What\'s for you won\'t pass you by
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I've seen a picture of a small pony in a back of a Polski-Fiat, it was taken somewhere in Eastern Europe!
Great if you can't afford a tractor & trailer!!
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Its not what you drive, its how you drive it! :-)
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Horses, by law [true dvdfact] when on the move have to have a Passport.
Probably an illegal immiy?
Obviously not a colt as Fireams Unit not called out......
Extra HP?
dvd
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Speeding? the driver needed a pony? (pony and trap)
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TourVanMan TM < Ex RF >
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Well the police would have to concede that the vehicle was stable.
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I see the new Government designed eco vehicles are still having teething problems.
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I've seen a picture of a small pony in a back of a Polski-Fiat,
www.forestpinesriding.com/Directions/pony%20in%20c...g
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My uncle used to carry sheep in the back of his Standard Vanguard. He took the cushion out first.
What is the offence? It's not illegal to carry a large dog in a car is it? So why not a small horse?
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The pony driving the Metro may have been guilty of careless driving, but surely cannot be charged merely for being in his car? It's quite possible no offence was committed at all. Just being a horse doesn't make a chap a villain.
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Apparantly the first question the Officer asked was "What's with the long face ?"
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Lud,
I'd bet a month's i'll gotten gains that he didn't have a licence - and have you ever seen a pony wear a seat belt ? I rest my case. By the way the car was stopped on the Horseshoe Pass
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>> I've seen a picture of a small pony in a back of a Polski-Fiat, www.forestpinesriding.com/Directions/pony%20in%car...g
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Me too
www.dyna.co.za/cars/Car_-_Transport_Horse.jpg
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Can't help noticing that these equines have pretty poor taste in cars (of course it is possible that these particular cattle are not well off and that economic considerations may play a part). Still, if Polski-Fiat steering is anything like Lada steering you might need to be a horse or gorilla to turn the wheel much.
PU: I believe a medical certificate can be produced as evidence that a driver should not wear a seat belt. Still, you may be right about the driving/excise licences. But I am worried that people may start to typecast ponies with people wearing baseball caps, as dubious types liable to commit a whole range of offences. We must counter prejudice wherever it rears its ugly head.
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Lud,
Can you honestly see a self respecting pony going into a BMW dealer ?
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I've got to ask - why is the licence plate upside down? Is it a special signal meaning horse on board?
Hawkeye
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Stranger in a strange land
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I know we put the clocks forward, but it can't be friday already ?
Go on, get out of the car...
www.mikes-walks.co.uk
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Ive not seen any horses in the back of cars but often see asses in the front driving.
--
rustbucket (the original)
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Apparently officers were responding to reports of somebody getting their oats in the back of a car in broad daylight.
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Apparently officers were responding to reports of somebody getting their oats in the back of a car in broad daylight.
Thought that was something to do with dogs.
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The old Metro had failed its MOT, the scrappy said gimme a pony and i'll take it off your hands ..
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The other night I had a dream in which I was at a meeting and met a certain backroomer (who shall remain nameless). He didn't look at all like I imagined him. On waking, I thought "Hmmm - this is serious - dreaming about backroomers. I need to get out more."
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Me too as it happens. Who would have thought DD was really that good looking?
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BWAHAHAHAHA!
Thanks Adam, that was surprisingly funny and I needed a bit of a chortle. Sorry DD, I know we're both on thin ice now ...
--
andymc
Vroom, vroom - mmm, doughnuts ...
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OH! Adam's post has now been edited. Terrible misuse of moderator's absolute powers, seems like the limit of absolute corruption has been reached and breached!
--
andymc
Vroom, vroom - mmm, doughnuts ...
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Something unusual seems to have happened to Adam's last post. Edit button affected by government radar I shouldn't wonder.
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::whistles innocently::
;o)
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Oi!!!! That's not what I wrote!!! That's abuse of powers that is!
And you Andy! What do you mean "Surprisingly funny" eh???
This is....this is wholly unfair. ;-)
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"::whistles innocently::"
and tucks into another pie to salve his conscience!!!!
--
Phil
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and tucks into another pie to salve his conscience!!!!
Sorry, but you're confusing me with an ex-moderator called ND.
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Abuse of both power and ex-colleagues.
Where will it end Dave? Where will it end?
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"And you Andy! What do you mean "Surprisingly funny" eh???
This is....this is wholly unfair. ;-)"
Why Adam, what I meant was that it was a funny comment that took me by surprise of course. Can't think for one moment what other meaning you could take from it. Unless (rubs hands with evil glee)...
DD - if you ever do resurrect the Backroom poll, here's a suggestion for the first one:
"Would it surprise you to laugh out loud at something written by Adam? Select from the following options"
A. Definitely
B. Probably
C. Yes
D. Who's Adam?
--
andymc
Vroom, vroom - mmm, doughnuts ...
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Abuse of both power and ex-colleagues.
?? on the latter. Further up this thread there is reference to Alan and pies.
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Yeah yeah Andy. Mind you, having checked my post count the other day, maybe there should be an option E;
"I know who Adam is but wish he wouldn't post so damn much"
(I think I've topped 6,000 posts!)
Sorry Dave - I'm so used to people insulting me and using the word "pies" in the same sentence I'm a little sensitive about the much underrated and delicious foodstuff.
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